i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
