I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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