to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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