I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
