ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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