She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
