At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
