i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
