took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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