All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
