he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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