I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
