You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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