i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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