It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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