I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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