I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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