I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
