Can i not drive my cunt home
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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