Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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