At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
