I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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