My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
