If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
