dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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