I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
