Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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