i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
