True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
