I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's rum buckets o'clock
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
