I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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