Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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