Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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