i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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