i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
