two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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