We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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