Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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