But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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