im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
