with your own penis?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
