I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
