my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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