i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Randomize
