just tell him i said nine months
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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