btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
