i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
