Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
