why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
