I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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